Pass the cheese please

Hola companeros i dobar dan. I have been accused, on many occasions, of being a Eurofag sympathiser- those comments almost exclusively coming from the most wonderful los estados unidos; land of the free and home of the brave. Now, that automatically implies many things. Homosexual tendencies of almost a half a billion people? That an entire continent couldn't possibly contend with the greatest of the 300 million, largely obese population of the United States? That anyone embracing the principles of true multi-ethnicity of this ever growing melting pot is a fucking fag?

Well, we know how the gringos get when it comes to the Old World. We still use crank up planes and don't have indoor plumbing.

But I do have to say one thing, this Eurovision thing is a total farce. Eurovision is a horrendously cheesy musical contest between European countries and Israel. Why Israel, not sure, but that's not the issue here. Most Europeans, the classy, chic, cultured and beyond for some reason loose all rationality when it comes to this pitiful excuse for entertainment. The music in no way represents the best tunes coming out of Europe and, in the most awkward of ways, embraces the American way of tacky extravaganza's.

So the music sucks. Each country has a right to vote for any other country except for their own. I have been able to sporadically sit through a few sessions of this nightmare. And what i found appauled me. The few good quality instrumental and vocal songs were no where on the voting scale. Instead, local patriotism takes over and each region tends to vote for each other. Its gone to the extent that i have read interviews with country winners who, before the contest even begins, are encouraging neighbouring countries to vote for them! Disgusting really. The voting always looks a little something like this - Denmark votes for, guess who? Sweden and Norway. Czech Republic votes for? Yes, Slovakia and Poland. And Austria? Yup, you're getting the hang of it now -- Germany and Switzerland. It is pure cheese, I promise you.

So why am i bringing this up in the midst of the revolution you ask? Well, its another great balkan tragic comedy and its not the film Karaula. Serbia and Montenegro have almost always qualified for the eurovision contest. To be honest, they have usually had pretty good songs too. Now that the wars are all over though, they have no one to beat up upon except themselves. With an indepedence referendum on the table due to be cast the day after Eurovision on May 21, Eurovision for Serbia and Montenegro has become a new battleground. Yes, it even infultrates cheesy music contests.

So the scam goes a little like this. Serbia and Montenegro each have the same amount of votes on the jury panel. Before the finale, Montenegro chose its finalists as did Serbia proper. Then they meet for the grand finale to see who goes to Athens. Each country has six votes each. Montenegrins, in fine Balkan fashion, decided to give the Serbs a little taste of pre referendum snubbing. The Montenegrin jury gave zero points to any of the contestants from Serbia whilst Serbia, behaving uncharacteristically normal, gave a fair amount of points to the Montenegrin contestants. So the best band by far, The Flamingo's, who could have quite possibly taken the gold in Athens, came in second next to No Name from Montenegro. The proverbial cheese then hit the proverbial fan. The live emission was cut mid airing after the audience opposed the obvious political moves of the Montenegrin jury. Fights ensued, and it broke out in mayhem and became a national dilemma. Yes, over a stupid song. That's how deep all this stuff runs people. To the fucking bone.

So all this mayhem basically resulted in yet another split between the Orthodox brothers and sisters of Serbia and Montenegro. Media took sides. Political parties took sides. What it really comes down to is, legally, Montenegro wins. Morally, they lose. So who goes to Athens. Well, no one. Its been chucked out altogether and now Serbia and Montenegro forfeit the opportunity to participate in Eurovision for the next three years. Its sad, pitiful even.

This, unfortunately, is just how blurred Serbia and Montenegro's vision of Europe actually is. There is yet a maturely developed sense of constructive dialogue, ethics, compromise and trust that has brought the EU to where it is today. Will they lay to rest the ancient hachett of mistrust and backstabbing or move towards an imperfect, yet principled, European Union. Our brothers and sisters in both Serbia and Montenegro are struggling with rotten top layer of scum and corruption. But they have proved once they can overcome...and we shall help them overcome yet again. Another bowl of cheese anyone? Hasta la victoria!